


Teal'c's comments to Daniel's Surviving Jack memo

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-24
Updated: 2006-03-24
Packaged: 2019-02-02 18:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12732012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Teal'c comments on Daniel's list of survival skills for all civilian personnel being commanded by Colonel Jack O'Neill in the field.





	Teal'c's comments to Daniel's Surviving Jack memo

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

HERE ARE MY COMMENTS, PER YOUR REQUEST, DANIELJACKSON. TEAL'C

All of you have been asking me to provide you with a "Colonel Jack O'Neill For Dummies" manual for a while. To ease the frankly almost hysterical level of fear involving those scheduled for fieldwork with Jack, here it is. 

A JAFFA WOULD BE DISGRACED IF THEY SHOWED FEAR AGAINST AN ENEMY, LET ALONE ONE AIR FORCE COLONEL. PERHAPS I SHOULD WORK WITH THESE PEOPLE A LITTLE? THEY WILL LEARN QUICKLY THAT O'NEILL IS NOT THE ONE TO BE FEARED.

1\. The first and absolutely top thing you must know to appease the walking legend that is Colonel Jack O'Neill, USAF, is this: Jack doesn't suffer fools gladly. 

AS I DO NOT. MAJOR SIMONDS FOUND THAT OUT WHEN HE ACCUSED ME OF PRETENDING TO BE IN ALLEGIANCE WITH THE TAU'RI. JAFFA DO NOT PRETEND. (author's note: can't you almost see the lip curled in a sneer?) 

Actually, Jack doesn't suffer anyone gladly, especially if that person involves a change in status. AS I DO NOT.

Jack is very set in his ways (kind of like a hippopotamus stuck in a mud wallow) and doesn't like changes in general.

WHAT IS A HIPPOPOTAMUS? DOES IT LOOK LIKE O'NEILL? DOES O'NEILL WALLOW IN MUD? IS THAT LIKE JELLO WRESTLING?

He especially doesn't like it when his team members are replaced. The top thing that can put Jack off his feed is when his civilian consultant is switched. That's me, by the way.

WE SAY "TWIST HIS BALLS OUT OF ORDER" ON CHULAK.

a. Don't assume that since Jack is a Colonel in the Air Force, he should understand your topic the way one of us would. Yes, Air Force officers are required to get a Masters degree to be promoted to Colonel. Jack does have a Masters degree, in Astronomy, actually. Follow this rule, and you should be okay. When you explain things to him, do it as you would if you wrote it in an "Archeology For Dummies" book. Or, even better, use Dr. Seuss-like sentences. I'll give you an example: "Colonel, the Mayans ate hearts that were still beating, just to have something for eating" makes a good explanation for the predilection of the Mayan priesthood to sacrifice people by cutting their living hearts out and eating them raw as a sign of ingesting the strength of the sacrifice. 

MAY I TRY THIS? SOMETHING LIKE: "THE SYSTEM LORDS WOULD HAVE SLICED OUR GUTS, IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE ASGARD'S LITTLE GRAY BUTTS." HOW IS THAT? WOULD O'NEILL UNDERSTAND THIS BETTER THAN ENGLISH?

b. Jack isn't dumb, even though he acts like it a lot. 

AS I AM NOT. WE JUST CHOOSE TO ALLOW PEOPLE TO UNDERESTIMATE US. IT HAS NEVER WORKED WITH YOU, DANIELJACKSON.

Be sure that you do have all the facts ready when you give the watered-down explanation. Just to throw you off, he's likely to ask an intelligent question that will make you think. 

O'NEILL, AN INTELLIGENT QUESTION? WHEN? WAS I THERE?

c. When it comes to combat situations, do exactly as the Colonel orders. He will keep you alive if you do. If you don't and you live through the situation, he will kill you himself, in all likelyhood.

OR I WILL. OUR JOB IS TO FOLLOW O'NEILL INTO BATTLE AND TO DIE BRAVELY IF NECESSARY.

I'm the only one who can get away with disobeying Jack, because he forgives me anything.

INDEED. I HAVE NEVER SEEN O'NEILL STAY ANGRY AT YOU. HE IS PARTICULARLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO YOU BLINKING YOUR EYELASHES AT HIM. ACTUALLY, IT WORKS WHEN MAJORCARTER DOES IT AS WELL. PERHAPS IT IS BECAUSE OF THE COLOR OF BOTH OF YOUR EYES. OR PERHAPS O'NIELL IS A "SUCKER FOR DANIEL'S BABY BLUES", AS MAJOR FERRETTI SAYS.

d. Don't take anything Jack says personally. Like I am always saying, he's just intimidated because you're way smarter than he is. Oh, and he resents you because you're not me. Don't worry about that, it's a Jack thing.

INDEED. O'NEILL IS VERY... O'NEILL.

2\. Your job when you are out with the military teams is to give them the benefit of your knowledge and to think outside the (extremely narrow) military box.

WARRIORS MUST HAVE A NARROW FOCUS, WHICH IS TO KILL THEIR ENEMIES AND TO DO AS MUCH DAMAGE AS POSSIBLE. IT WOULD NOT BE EFFICIENT OTHERWISE.

If you feel strongly about a situation, you need to firmly state your opinion. There is a time and place, however, to do this. Do not stop to state your opinion after the first shot has been fired. 

WHY NOT? YOU HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE.

This annoys Jack. 

AS IT DID ME.

When disagreeing with him, remember to keep your voice low and non- threatening (imagine that you are talking to an enraged pit-bull, that works for me when he's gone special ops on me).

I TREAT HIM AS THOUGH HE IS A CHULAKIAN FRAOKH'NATH WHEN I AM DISAGREEING. IT IS A SIX FOOT TALL I THINK YOU TAU'RI CALL IT A TEDDY BEAR, BUT WITH FIVE INCH FANGS. YOU MUST NOT SHOW WEAKNESS OR FEAR, OR THE FRAOKH'NATH WILL TEAR OUT YOUR THROAT.

Be respectful. There is a big difference between "Colonel O'Neill, if you frown again like that at that priest, he will perceive it as a challenge to his authority and cut out your heart. I suggest you keep your eyes lowered as though respectful." And "O'Neill, for gods' sake, don't growl like that again, or we're all going to be missing our hearts. Act like a diplomat, not a Rottweiler for once." The latter comment will *not* go down well, I can tell you, no matter how true it is.

WHAT IS A ROTTWEILER? 

3\. Related to item 2 above, remember that Jack does not do constructive criticism well. He is used to being obeyed with alacrity, not questioned. 

INDEED, I HAVE NOTICED THIS.

4\. When Jack tells you to watch his six, that means to stay at his back and make sure no one sneaks up on you. That does not mean to admire O'Neill's butt. Even if it is a ten on a scale of five, keep your eyes off of it and on the area behind the two of you.

I WILL MAKE SURE THAT NO ONE ADMIRES O'NEILL'S NETHER PORTIONS, DANIELJACKSON, EXCEPT YOURSELF.

5\. If it is time to go, and you need a little more time to work at the site, these things work for me: I look at him from under my eyelashes and lick my lips. I sigh and look as though Santa Clause didn't leave me a present. Jack's a sucker numero uno for that one.

A WISE WARRIOR HAS A VARIETY OF WEAPONS TO USE AGAINST AN OPPONENT. YOU HAVE SOME VERY POTENT ONES.

6\. Jack is Air Force Special Ops trained. That means that he knows many, many ways to kill people. It also means that he's a good man to have protecting you in a firefight. What it doesn't mean is that he would make a cheap research assistant at a safe site. Do not ask him to sift dirt or hold your flashlight, or he might use his skills on you.

IF YOU ASKED O'NEILL TO HOLD YOUR FLASHLIGHT, HE WOULD DO IT GLADLY, AS WOULD I. WE LIVE TO SERVE.

7\. Don't be surprised if Jack makes bad jokes at the worst times. It's his way of dealing with stress. 

O'NEILL'S SENSE OF HUMOR IS ONE OF THE GREAT MYSTERIES OF THE TAU'RI, IN MY MIND.

8\. To enhance your survival in the field, offer to cook when it is Jack's turn. 

INDEED. THE LAST TIME O'NEILL COOKED, MY PRIM'TA HAD DIFFICULTY DEALING WITH THE GASTRIC UPSET.

9\. Expect to be interrupted every fifteen minutes or less when you are surveying a site. The kind of questions will be things like, "What'cha doing?" or "What's that thingie there?". Jack isn't asking them because he's interested or because he wants an answer. He's asking them because he's bored.

I BELIEVE THE SOLUTION TO THIS IS TO TAKE ALONG A YO-YO. THEN O'NEILL CAN PLAY WITH IT. THAT SHOULD KEEP HIM HAPPY. HE CAN PLAY WITH HIS OR YOUR YO-YOS FOR HOURS, HE HAS OFTEN TOLD ME. 

10\. Try to arrange to share a tent with Major Carter or Teal'c if you can, rather than Jack. That's because Jack is a major snuggler. Even if he is dressed in full arctic gear and in a separate sleeping bag, somehow he will manage to end up in yours.

I DON'T OFTEN USE A SLEEPING BAG, AND HE STILL MANAGES TO MOVE IN ON ME. O'NEILL HAS THE IMPRESSIVE GRAPPLING INSTINCTS OF A DARNESIAN TREE SNAKE.

Also, he snores. Loudly. He will blame you for the snoring in the morning.

HE ACTUALLY BLAMED *ME* FOR SNORING, AND I WAS KEL'NOR'REEMING THE ENTIRE NIGHT! 

11\. Related to item ten above, Jack often suffers from a sensitive stomach in the field. 

THE NOISES O'NEILL'S STOMACH CAN GENERATE ARE AWE-INSPIRING. THE STINKS COULD KILL A HORUS GUARD.

12\. Get up when Jack calls reveille in the morning. Don't ignore him and oversleep. He will pull the tent down around you.

HE WOULD NOT DO SO TO ME OR MAJORCARTER. HE JUST LIKES UNWINDING YOU FROM THE TENT AFTERWARDS.

13\. Colonel Jack O'Neill is difficult, grouchy, sarcastic, and rude. He is also brave to a fault, loyal, funny, and an honest-to-goodness hero. 

I HAVE BEEN HONORED TO FIGHT OUR ENEMIES BY HIS SIDE. HE IS A GREAT WARRIOR. I HAVE BEEN DOUBLY HONORED TO BE CALLED HIS FRIEND, AND TO SHARE HIS DESTINY.

He never leaves a team member behind. He expects a lot out of you, but he will risk his life to keep you safe or to rescue you if the situation calls for it. Jack expects the best out of his team, and won't settle for less. If you don't plan to give it when you are out there on another world, then I suggest you resign now. Because if something happens to him due to your screw up, then you will have to deal with *me* when you get back. Trust me, you'd rather deal with Jack, any day.

ONCE YOU ARE THROUGH, THEY WOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME. YOU ARE GENTLE COMPARED TO WHAT I WOULD DO TO ANYONE WHO DOES NOT DO HIS BEST FOR O'NIELL.

MASTER TEAL'C OF CHULAK


End file.
